[CT] 27.2 - The down side [LOCKED]
Aug. 19th, 2008 09:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elementof_riskDiscuss some aspect of your relationship that you feel has had a negative effect on you
Besides the fact that her best friends all want me in jail?
No, really. That is our main difficulty, though it is a bit less these days, simply because she is not speaking to her friends. Of course, then I worry this will upset her in the long run, though I cannot deny it is good for me. It is nice to see her without having to fear the door breaking down because they've put surveillance on her place and saw me go in or something. It is far more pleasant to not be worrying about having opponents present on a job, spinning and finding myself facing the barrel of her gun as she faces mine. That would have been...awkward.
And might still be. I do not know if she can just walk away, or if this is part of the trauma. Perhaps she is not like us, after all, in that. Or like me. I do not know if I could put down the gun, walk away, live a legitimate life. I did try. I gave it a full year, out of the game, behaving myself, walking the straight and narrow. I nearly killed myself from the boredom. Life was dull, flat, grey, lifeless. I was miserable. I sucked at it.
But then, I was raised to this. It is all I have ever known. I was doing what I do before I graduated from secondary school, made my first real hit before University. I do not know what "normal" life is, do not know if I can live it. Not that she has asked me to, but whether she is with her friends or not, the fact is that half of the people who love her most in this world would see me in prison, or dead, in a heartbeat. I feel every day as if I am asking her to choose, and while she keeps choosing me it...is it fair? Do I care if it is fair? She gives, should I? Do I?
I...don't know. And I am used to knowing.
It raises questions I cannot answer, and that leaves me ill at ease, uncomfortable in my own skin, wondering when it will fall around us, when the ... I almost lost her. I did things I have never done for my own personal need. I didn't just kill him. I hurt him, badly, repeatedly, and I wanted to keep doing it, and what's more? Her friends know it was me. They figured it out which means they think....God knows what they think. And if they figure it out--will they come for her as well as me?
I don't know. I cannot guess. There is a thrill in the secrecy, in the breaking rules, but even with her working on private contracts out of the safety of her home, I feel the tension there, hanging over us, and I wait, and wait more, and wonder when it will break over us both.
Besides the fact that her best friends all want me in jail?
No, really. That is our main difficulty, though it is a bit less these days, simply because she is not speaking to her friends. Of course, then I worry this will upset her in the long run, though I cannot deny it is good for me. It is nice to see her without having to fear the door breaking down because they've put surveillance on her place and saw me go in or something. It is far more pleasant to not be worrying about having opponents present on a job, spinning and finding myself facing the barrel of her gun as she faces mine. That would have been...awkward.
And might still be. I do not know if she can just walk away, or if this is part of the trauma. Perhaps she is not like us, after all, in that. Or like me. I do not know if I could put down the gun, walk away, live a legitimate life. I did try. I gave it a full year, out of the game, behaving myself, walking the straight and narrow. I nearly killed myself from the boredom. Life was dull, flat, grey, lifeless. I was miserable. I sucked at it.
But then, I was raised to this. It is all I have ever known. I was doing what I do before I graduated from secondary school, made my first real hit before University. I do not know what "normal" life is, do not know if I can live it. Not that she has asked me to, but whether she is with her friends or not, the fact is that half of the people who love her most in this world would see me in prison, or dead, in a heartbeat. I feel every day as if I am asking her to choose, and while she keeps choosing me it...is it fair? Do I care if it is fair? She gives, should I? Do I?
I...don't know. And I am used to knowing.
It raises questions I cannot answer, and that leaves me ill at ease, uncomfortable in my own skin, wondering when it will fall around us, when the ... I almost lost her. I did things I have never done for my own personal need. I didn't just kill him. I hurt him, badly, repeatedly, and I wanted to keep doing it, and what's more? Her friends know it was me. They figured it out which means they think....God knows what they think. And if they figure it out--will they come for her as well as me?
I don't know. I cannot guess. There is a thrill in the secrecy, in the breaking rules, but even with her working on private contracts out of the safety of her home, I feel the tension there, hanging over us, and I wait, and wait more, and wonder when it will break over us both.
