[Bad] July - 015 Bravery & Cowardice
Jul. 28th, 2008 04:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elementof_riskThere are those that likely think it's cowardice. I've no doubt they think that if they threaten the right way, or enough, that my own fear will make me flip. That I am not brave enough to endure their inquisitions, that I would rather betray everyone and anyone because I am a coward, because I am afraid.
That's not it at all.
Do you know the price some would exact for betrayal? The times my life has been more in danger because of the secrets I spilled than it was if I had kept my mouth shut? The CIA would not have executed me. I could have sat in my cell and kept my mouth shut, and never revealed the things I knew and they would have fumed and threatened and perhaps moved me to a smaller cell, but they would not have killed me for my silence. On the other hand, those I betrayed very likely would have loved to kill me for the things I revealed.
I don't like being shot or beaten or put in tiny dark cells. It isn't pleasant, and anyone in their right mind would have a bit of fear of it and want to avoid it. It bloody well hurts to have an ice pick or a bullet in your leg or a very angry man slamming your head into the wall, and we, as sentient creatures, do try to avoid most pains unless we are complete masochists. I'm no different in that.
But if I were a coward, I would keep their secrets, keep faith with the dangerous people with whom I do business. I wouldn't lead people in to their compounds, because if they suspected me, they would likely chain me to a weapon of mass destruction and arm it. Oh, wait. They've done that.
I am not a coward. I do not flip sides because of fear or cowardice.
I do it because it suits me. Because I answer, ultimately, only to myself. Because when you want something accomplished, I am the man you come to, so long as you meet my price. I am one of the best, and they all--my clients and enemies both--know that. You want me on your side? You make the better offer. Because I am not afraid to betray you if someone else offers something I want more, even if that is better food and a pillow for my cell. You take that risk when you hire me, and everyone knows that, but if you want the job done...often there is no one else who will get it done better than I can. So you have your own insurance, if you're wise, and you take the risk, and most of the time, it will pay off, because few people will outbid you.
And me? I take the risk every time that someone will be angry I betrayed them, angry enough to overlook the value I provide, to seek revenge, to attempt to "win." I live free, ultimately answering to no one, but one day it could easily be my head with the price on it, instead of one of my targets. I know that very well, and I do it anyway. To live that way takes bravery and balls. To speak as I do to people threatening me takes bravery. I don't want to die. I don't have some death wish or a lack of caring about life. Someone told me once she thought I was just a dog looking for a new master. She didn't understand--still doesn't...I have no master. I never did. I have always been my own man, and that takes more bravery than most people--bound and chained by their promises and loyalties and patriotism and duty--will ever recognize.
That's not it at all.
Do you know the price some would exact for betrayal? The times my life has been more in danger because of the secrets I spilled than it was if I had kept my mouth shut? The CIA would not have executed me. I could have sat in my cell and kept my mouth shut, and never revealed the things I knew and they would have fumed and threatened and perhaps moved me to a smaller cell, but they would not have killed me for my silence. On the other hand, those I betrayed very likely would have loved to kill me for the things I revealed.
I don't like being shot or beaten or put in tiny dark cells. It isn't pleasant, and anyone in their right mind would have a bit of fear of it and want to avoid it. It bloody well hurts to have an ice pick or a bullet in your leg or a very angry man slamming your head into the wall, and we, as sentient creatures, do try to avoid most pains unless we are complete masochists. I'm no different in that.
But if I were a coward, I would keep their secrets, keep faith with the dangerous people with whom I do business. I wouldn't lead people in to their compounds, because if they suspected me, they would likely chain me to a weapon of mass destruction and arm it. Oh, wait. They've done that.
I am not a coward. I do not flip sides because of fear or cowardice.
I do it because it suits me. Because I answer, ultimately, only to myself. Because when you want something accomplished, I am the man you come to, so long as you meet my price. I am one of the best, and they all--my clients and enemies both--know that. You want me on your side? You make the better offer. Because I am not afraid to betray you if someone else offers something I want more, even if that is better food and a pillow for my cell. You take that risk when you hire me, and everyone knows that, but if you want the job done...often there is no one else who will get it done better than I can. So you have your own insurance, if you're wise, and you take the risk, and most of the time, it will pay off, because few people will outbid you.
And me? I take the risk every time that someone will be angry I betrayed them, angry enough to overlook the value I provide, to seek revenge, to attempt to "win." I live free, ultimately answering to no one, but one day it could easily be my head with the price on it, instead of one of my targets. I know that very well, and I do it anyway. To live that way takes bravery and balls. To speak as I do to people threatening me takes bravery. I don't want to die. I don't have some death wish or a lack of caring about life. Someone told me once she thought I was just a dog looking for a new master. She didn't understand--still doesn't...I have no master. I never did. I have always been my own man, and that takes more bravery than most people--bound and chained by their promises and loyalties and patriotism and duty--will ever recognize.
